Chapter 27: Intensity

CW: This might be a little bit more intense than I usually write. There are several different stressors i’ll be talking about so if you want a bit more calm perhaps check out my other chapters.

I didn’t sleep Saturday night.
The phone flips, i check the time no messages. put it down.
The phone flips it’s 2:45 am, i check the time. no messages i put it down/
The phone flips it’s 3:45, 5:45.
I re add facebook, and my fear is confirmed.

It’s Thursday today. The cat is fed and sleeping by my porch door, i’m curled up watching Nightly News coverage though it’s 10am. I took today off to pack, unwind and prepare to board a plane. Tomorrow is my grandfathers funeral and i’m mentally preparing myself to navigate my first funeral, navigating seatac airport and raw dogging these emotions.

In the span of the past four days i’ve ended things, dealt with my mother asking for my grandmothers jewelry knowing she may very well sell it. (She’s not going to the funeral. ) , dealt with the very real notion that this land could have slipped out from under me. Essentially USDA does NOT fund more than one parcel .for a split second there was mention that this VETTED land i was trying to buy was not just one parcel and lastly, my designer hadn’t signed the estimate proposal for the final USDA approval . Because of this goal i’ve been broke for a month and a half .

The hits kept coming this week. I sat down in the shower, feeling every single emotion and trying to not be passive aggressive on social media. but some part of me broke this week.

I lose this week. I convinced myself, curled around my pillow on one of my lunches.
I need help.
I need help.