Chapter 19: Brave shit i’ve done during the Pandemic

I have this inherit need to censor myself.

A majority of my life has been spent in being told what to do, what not to say and what not to do. I’ve kept so much of my own thoughts private and offline mostly because i’m smart but admittedly due to the fact that i’m afraid of coming off as “too brash” or “unhireable.”

I swear (admittedly a whole lot less lately) and use colorful language from time to time but in the right crowd and in the right settings.

Make no mistake that during this pursuit of land and home that i’m scared shitless that this could all blow up in my face and that’s the risk i’m willing to make.

It’s a weird thing to have a pandemic around you because it instantly made me just a little bit braver. I dont know if i would have left Amazon in the same fashion, pursued this so heavily or actually spoke my desires into existence had it not been for the looming dread that could have been.

I just recently signed an acceptance to drop the feasibility test to move forward with closing on my land. The knot in my stomach flips and flops knowing that when things can go wrong they will but i have had the good faith (simply based on the tons of work that has been done.) that it’s already been approved for a 4 bedroom house and that this will run smoothly.

Hope used to be dangerous for me. In the same way that i’ve built entire dreams and jobs on hope i’ve also dated hope. I’ve dated potential in the past and watched that loudly erupt in front of me and now as i stare down the barrel of this contract I know that it’s one of the biggests risk’s i’ve ever taken in my life.

Five years ago I was in low income housing and on food stamps.
Today I drive an Audi, I live in a nice 1 bedroom apartment in Greenwood and regularly attend therapy. I have STUFF but with my gut still tensing up at the fall I know that I need to continue to look at what this type of home might provide me beyond the material gain.

What will I do with this privilege each step of the way?
How do I not fuck this up?
What do i do if/when I do fuck something up?

Mama sometimes tells me “You know X is expensive?”

My god it’s true but it would cost me even more if I never tried.